I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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