In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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