I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
