GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
i believe in u and ur pee
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
