OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
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