Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
