For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Randomize