Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
