wakey wakey hands off snakey
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Randomize
