apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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