'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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