If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I love you. Go after that dick
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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