There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
