Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
