Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
