Well apparently he's into motor boating.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Randomize