so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
