You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
