The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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