you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
