Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Randomize
