I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Randomize
