we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
