You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
