i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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