Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
