My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Randomize
