I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
