Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
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