im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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