Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
