Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
being pregnant is like rehab
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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