I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
someone threw a dead crab at me
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
