if you like me you must not know who I am
I'm convinced that Kathy Griffin and Andy Dick are the same person...
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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