he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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