apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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