That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
