We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
