I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
