So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
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