All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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