Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
