Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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