I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
