"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
