So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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