drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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