got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
