i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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