is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
