Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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