Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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