Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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