Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Randomize