So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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