Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I pour the whiskey from now on
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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