Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
