i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize