I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
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